Becker: Another week at the Torment Interviews! This time with Ravel Puzzlewell.
Ravel: Heya, sonny-boy!
Becker: Your life has really been something! I was reading my notes and they say you've been a successful businesswoman in the lower planes, masterminded a mercenary strike on Sigil, and operated as a tour guide in the Maze of Thorns. That's amazing.
Ravel: I've always said that it pays to keep active after retirement.
Becker: What is your secret to maintaining vital energy in your golden years?
Ravel: Good diet is important. Forget those vitamins and protein drinks! All you really need is a healthy amount of the cast-off souls of the dammed to keep you feeling young.
Becker: I'll remember that. But what of our viewers who don't frequent the lower planes?
Ravel: You can't go wrong with a steady intake of magic items, I always say.
Becker: Um ... what?
Ravel: What didn't you understand, kid? Let's say you're wandering along and come across a ring of protection; just swallow that down with a nice glass of pineapple juice and you're ready to face the day!
Becker: Wouldn't that catch in your throat?
Ravel: A chocolate coating helps. Although some of the more health-conscious might prefer taking it with strawberry yogurt.
Becker: That does sound tasty.
Ravel: Yep, and it'll keep your tummy full for a good long time. The best part is if it ever turns out you might need the item you can always regurgitate it later.
Becker: I'm sorry Ravel, but I'm going to have to counsel my viewers against that. Bulimia is a tragic disease that strikes tens of thousands every year, and even if spitting up a cube of force may save you from a greater pit fiend, the psychological perils can be tragic. Remember people, A proper diet is only one step toward a healthy life, but you also need to have a positive self-image.
Ravel: Oh my stars, I hadn't thought of that. Yes, by all means, if you absolutely have to vomit up boots of speed, by all means scarf them right back down when you're done running away! Which reminds me, don't forget exercise! Why I never could have raised an army of demons by just eating right. Stretching, running, and swimming are all a part of making sure that you keep your youthful energy, as you grow older.
Becker: Wow that's really good advice.
Ravel: Thanks, I'm preparing for a lecture tour on health and beauty after I'm finished work on Torment.
Becker: Amazing! I can see it will be quite some time before you slow down.
Ravel: You know, Becker, you're looking a little soft around the middle. When was the last time you got outside anyway? You're as flabby as an ochre jelly.
Becker: Ha-ha! What a kidder. Well, that's it for this week. See you later folks!
Ravel: You should see this boy! Big as a fire giant and short as a mountain dwarf! What do you do anyway Becker? Don't tell me you just play computer games and eat burritos all day long.
Becker: Go eat a sphere of annihilation, Ravel.
Copyright © 2000 Derek Becker and the Pit crew. All rights reserved
So were you ever at work, goofing off and reading websites and get that really creepy feeling that your boss and his boss were looming at you right over your shoulder and then you have to explain to them that not only are you goofing off reading game sites but that since your name is plastered all over the thing it's pretty darn obvious that it's your own website that you almost certainly made on company time? I don't enjoy that feeling.